Rectal tales.

Ask her what persevere means. Really. I'm serious.

 

This week was Chandler's tenth birthday and I had to look up what I wrote last year because it seems like just yesterday that I posted it. Sheesh. Where is the time going. It occurs to me now that I don't know if I wrote about Arielle turning 12 over the summer...probably best not to look, in case the post isn't there and I need to take my lumps over what a bad mother I am.

So Chandler turned 10 and it wasn't unlike her turning 9, in fact, it was like any other day, except it marked 1 decade of life for her. 1 decade. 1 decade since they pulled her from my non forgiving womb. It's been 10 years, I haven't forgotten the sound of her cry a minute after her birth, where I lay for 60 whole seconds with bated breath, waiting to hear if my child was living.

I asked her, on her birthday, how it felt to be 10. She says, and I quote, "I don't know. I won't be 10 until 8:58 tonight."

I said, "I know, I was there and I remember. In fact, you should celebrate for 3 whole days before your birthday because it hurt just that much."

She's not that different than she was a year ago, just brighter, much more whitty, and far more intelligent.

I try not to brag too much because she is who she is and she can't help it. She doesn't like to make others feel bad just because she has a gift. I also don't want to give her a complex like I expect perfection out of her. I try to be all casual and cool, although Ivy League has come up in our conversations a few times and every teacher she has tells us she'll have her pick of any school so we've been trying to just keep encouraging her and as she gets more aware of colleges, we'll start discussing them. I don't think her dad and I could let her leave the state. We'd worry too much. But Indiana has plenty of fine schools right here and Arielle plans on IU, maybe Chandler will follow her? It's a fantastic school, close to home...mom will be going there too...

At 10, Chandler has no problem pointing out the irony that surrounds her and when Arielle Renee is your sister, there is plenty of irony. Hell, any teenager presents irony and Arielle's almost a teen. At 10, Chandler has the intelligence to back up any argument she may get into with facts and wit. She has the size to double back herself if you think you might get froggy and hit her. She's normal sized now but still tall enough to look slim. But in all, I think her body size is normal, not too big, not so small that I worry about her food intake like I did a few years back.

She'll eat just about anything, except french toast. I've never figured it out. Maybe she doesn't like her bread soaked in milk and egg? She eats waffles and pancakes and regular toast, but no french. She also doesn't do syrup. No syrup? really?

Logic is not lost on her and truthfully, it's like conversing with an adult because she uses logic and her level head to get her through conversations. She's a funny kid who doesn't always start a conversation, but if you ask her something, she'll talk to you and you won't regret it. I once asked Rodney to keep the kids indoors while I was at work because Arielle had a bad cough and it was cold outside, best to have an indoor day. Ari and Chan ended up going to Chan's friends house to play all day and played outside. I get home and Chandler says,

"I know you said we had to stay inside but we played outside all day and look...(Pointing to her face) picture of health...right here." And she inserted those comedic pauses in the exact right places. I had a vision of my daughter writing funny comedy routines, or even better, BEING the comedian. Because she has the timing down to deliver these phrases in the funniest way possible.

A few weeks ago, she was doing an assignment and the word persevere came up, she asked me what it meant and I explained it. She said she had looked it up in the dictionary, she just wanted to hear it in regular terms. Last week, Arielle brings home an assignment where she missed the word persevere.  I had forgotten that Chandler knew this word but her face lit up like a light...

"I know that word!"

And you know what, she just perseveres right on through the good times and the bad times. She takes it as it comes and she's probably the easiest kid to be around. I feel like she's like that out of necessity because so many others around her are so needy and have special needs that I must fulfill, and Chandler quietly takes her place in line. But as I see her growing, I fear not, because she's finding her way just fine, she's becoming more than I imagined she could on that snowy week ten years ago. She still has honkin big feet, but her eyes are also still so bright and her cheeks are perfectly kissable and she still has an innocence about her.

To quote John Mellencamp, "Hope you never lose that innocent laughter, hope time doesn't take that away..."

We love you, Chandler Rose. Happy tenth plus four days.

 

I don't do resolutions.

I mean, I say I am, then I don't. And that's pretty much 99% of Americans.

This year, I've decided to designate one little word for my year. It is going to represent my attitude.  The holidays are always hard and it starts in November and by January, I am ready to quit my job and hide from the world. This year is no exception. I say crap, and people don't listen. I say please don't talk to me about such and such and her crappy life and letting her kids have diseases and sleeping 20 hours a day and how she is worthless, let's talk about fun interesting things like how I'm making good grades or funny things my kids say, then I get texts from the person I said I didn't want to talk about these things, about such and such and why I should feel sorry for her and last minute invites to her holiday parties. By last minute I mean 30 minutes before the event. On Christmas. Last year I got the invite on Christmas eve but this year it was on Christmas. So now, I'm not just mad at such and such, I'm mad at miss think I'll stir shit up with texts.

So this stupid cycle will continue because I'll shut them all out and start getting crying voicemails and texts all through January until I feel guilty enough to come around again. And it's not happening this year. I'm not doing it anymore. I have a right mind to let texter and such and such know what I think of them both and write the ending of that chapter of my life so I may move on.

No, this year, I'm searching for harmony. Inner peace really but I'm always looking for that. I'm truly going to find it this year though. My marriage has been rocky due to a child who doesn't like me, I'm trying to move forward in my career, I have an ex whose household doings are constantly brought up in my home by my children and 9 times out of 10, it's crap that I don't care about. Hence, don't bring it up!!!

So January 1st, I'm thinking I'm going to sit my little family down and tell them that this is the year for harmony. Good things are going to happen, I can feel it, and I want to be ready for it!

I've begun to analyze things spiritually as well, and i want to find some harmony there as well. So my focus is ready, I'm ready. Each day has been a crap shoot until this point and I think it's time to change that.

Christmas traditions.

I was talking with my mom the other day about general holiday traditions. It's been hard for me to *find my place* in my new marriage with my new family and create new traditions when there are so many old memories that burn in my heart every day. My mom made a very valid point that Rodney has said many times over, "Just make new, better memories."

Simple as that. I think I will.

I left almost all of my Christmas ornaments in my divorce, and I had some good ones. Tons of Hallmark ornaments, most I paid no more than a dollar for at after Christmas sales. My mother got me a 20 dollar charlie brown tree my first year divorced which was pretty much representative of the shit gifts I got my kids and the shit life we led.

The next year, Rodney bought me a prettier, yet smallish 6ft tree and we bought lights and tinsel and some ornaments from Target. Progress.

The following year, we lived in Indianapolis, I have not one picture from the month of December, not even of the girls with their gifts, and I've decided to block that year from memory so that I don't have anxiety attacks.

THen, last year, mom had cancer and had to move suddenly and her 8 ft huge tree was up for grabs so we traded. This tree was huge and awesome and we had it covered in stuff. After Christmas, the DAY we put it in the basement with all my ornamets we had been collecting over the past 3 years, were destroyed in a sewage flood. I mean the toilet lines busted and there was feces, and urine in our basement a foot deep. Poop. It missed my scrapbooks NARROWLY. I never did see what all was ruined because I was so devestated I never went back into the basement except to do laundry.

We figured we'd have plenty of time and money to simply replace all that was lost. Except we had a rough financial year. Really rough. So we were trying to come to terms with buying another cheapy 6 foot tree with cheapy ornaments because what money we have extra, we'd rather put towards presents for the kids. $200 Christmas trees can wait for another, better, year.

We were in Walmart, trying to see the bright side when we both spotted the 6 ft white tree they sell. $40 which was our limit. I looked at him and said, "That's not ugly." He agreed and we decided white it is with blue decor and lights. I decided the white and blue is so not ugly, that we intend to keep this one in use for several years. We bought some blue ornaments, thanked God that our yearly ornaments we were collecting weren't destroyed, bought another yearly ornament and let the kids have fun decorating it. We also went to 10 stores within a 100 mile radius to find blue lights with white wires. They make red lights with white wires, green lights with white wires, white lights with white wires, multi lights with white wires, but not blue lights with white wires. Try typing that out. We could either get a different color than blue with white wires, or blue lights with green wires. We decided that we both wanted blue so green wires it was and you know what, it looks kind of cool!

We made cut out cookies the other day and the girls loved that. I figure we'll stay up late on Christmas eve and make more for Santa. I'm making crockpot blueberry cobbler for breakfast on Christmas and sandwiches with deviled eggs (for Chandler) for lunch. Every day I drive them to school and we sing crazy Christmas carols.

I'm still coming up with a traditions list and watching Elf at least 10 times is one of those traditions. I cannot get enough of that movie. We need to purchase that and Polar Express because Chan LOVES that movie. I always have to sing the "hot chocolate!!!" song because it cracks me up. hot hot hot, HOT CHOCOLATE!!!! Then, we have to have a cup. LOL

It's a good life. It's better than my last life. Sometimes I'm afraid God is just joking and I'm still afraid to trust. Three years ago a certain someone promised to never hurt me and never leave me hanging and asked me to share the rest of his life with him. I'm glad I let him show me what love is and what life is and agreed to spend our lives together and I'm glad that God gives second chances and he doesn't jerk us around. It's been a rough year but one thing has never changed, my family is still the reason I breathe.

Sometimes kids miss their parents.

Spoken to me by Trinity as I was tucking her in and she said she would miss me tomorrow. I told her no, she'd be with dad, she'd be ok. "But sometimes kids miss their parents mommy." How silly of me to not validate her emotions. Then she took it one step further and thought that it meant *I* wouldn't miss *her*.  How I wish she could understand that every breath is filled with thoughts of them.

There are days where I just want to quit my job, pull my kids out of school, and homeschool them just so I can stare at their pretty faces all day.

This is one of those days.

It's been a difficult week. I had a crappy situation at work, and then on top of it all, I was 9 days late. You'd think being sterile would forever wipe out my fears, anxieties and hopes during that time of the month and being late wouldn't be an issue. Sometimes I think it's worse because I know it's coming and I know no miracle is going to happen. Then I feel guilty wishing for a miracle when I already miss my kids all the time.

So nevertheless, it did come and it hit right at Thanksgiving and it was very painful. And Thanksgiving weekend, I got a call from my daughter who just wanted me to come get her. And it took everything within my being to not go. To not drop everything at midnight and bring her home.  Because I know on the other side she has a father who loves her. I had a long talk with her about fathers and how to not write hers off, not yet. She might just need a father one day. She might realize just how handy a daddy is and how at 34 I still wish I had my dad and I still miss my dad. We don't have a *normal* relationship but I take what I can get. And one day he'll be gone and I'll mourn at the loss of someone I never really got to have any sort of relationship with because he is incapable of relationships. He is a sick person and I know that. There's nothing I could have ever done to change what he is. But one day, he will be gone and I will still miss him. I know this because I miss him now.

And my daughters are so lucky to have a daddy that misses them as much as I miss them. Sometimes I get so jealous. I remember when we were together, I was jealous because I knew he loved them more than me. I knew that I was just a cog, a pawn to create these lives. Somedays I still feel like the egg donor.

I cannot change the past. I can't undo my mistakes as a mother and I can't seem to get any do overs. But my every day is filled with thoughts on improving our futures. It seems like the harder the present times get, the more depressed I feel, the more I draw to my daughters and the more I pull away from the rest of the world. I don't know why. I guess there are some things I just cannot understand and will not even try to.

I keep these entries because someday, they will read them. Someday they'll even understand them. I think they are getting pretty close now.

A few weeks ago, someone said something to Arielle and Chandler, it was a pretty personal issue that I know would make my girls uncomfortable if I gave all the details to so I'll try to cut out the personal stuff because I respect them because they respect me.

Someone had told them that their father was capable of bad things because of the bad things that happened to me. Arielle made it clear that this bothered her and she didn't want it brought up in that manner. Chandler was agreeing with her but with Chandler, sometimes you want to get her to talk for herself instead of letting Arielle speak for her. So I got her to open up and she said that it was private, she didn't like having our business talked and joked about like that. It is private. Not private in the sense that I don't tell anyone, private in the sense that I don't always share how it felt.

Private in how a rape victim doesn't always want to just trot out all the details to the police because it's humliating. It's degrading. It was so humiliating that day, I remember the look in their eyes as they watched me be shown what my place in the world was. They watched their mother get treated like the dog I was. I was so humliated. It's been 4 years and it's still a sore raw wound. I have never decided fully if that meant I didn't love him at all, or if it meant that I loved him so much but I was truly shocked and surprised and heart broken.

I am still heart broken. It didn't just magically disappear when I remarried. Part of what makes me love Rodney so intensely, though, is that he knows that there are still cuts on my heart. All he can do is try to help me heal and keep living when there are times that I just want to give up. There are times where I think I'm not worth the air I breathe and I look at these beautiful faces that adorn every wall in my house and I realize, without them, I would not be breathing. I wouldn't have blood in my veins. And I know God gave me these 3 specific girls, and no others, for a specific reason. I don't know what that reason is but with each passing season, I feel we become stronger as a family unit, as individuals, for sometimes something has to be broken and put back together to end up stronger than the original.

Today I'm grateful I'm divorced...for the kids' sake.

say wuhhh? She didn't just say that.

I know it's terrible and I struggle with internal guilt all the time that their father and I were big fat failures in the marriage department and while I don't speak for him, I can say I'm pretty dang awesome at it now. *That* makes me feel bad.

But, I'm grateful that we left each other with just a shred of dignity, had we waited any longer, we might not either one of us made it out intact.

And today, I'm grateful that we can both acknowledge that because that's what makes this whole process smoother and we both act like adults and everyone can continue life.

So Christmas has fallen on a weekend, HIS weekend, for several years now and I know, just trade the 25th back and forth right? Well, with my husbands job and now I work, we haven't always done it on the 25th here, sometimes we need the 24th, last year it was the 26th. But this year, I'm off on the 25th, my husband will get home that morning at 7 am, I decided I wanted the 25th. I tell the girls I will ask dad if he cares and Chandler hounded me for 2 whole days to make sure I asked him.

So I email him and as always, I filled it with reasons why I think I deserve Christmas. Not because he wants a good reason but I guess because I still hate that even though we *share* Christmas, only one can have them that morning. I'll return them that evening, but it won't be Christmas morning. I feel guilty because I've given that morning up for the sake of the greater good and now I want a turn and I don't think I'll ever get over this part of divorce. I don't think I will ever handle the fact that now we have to *share*. We have to split three beautiful girls down the middle. I guess that's why I'm so grateful, that we split them as painlessly as possible. I know good karma will come back to us for this.  For getting along. For not hating eachother because we don't love eachother.

So his response to my email, "Works for me". No arguing, no rebuttal, or in the sake of Rodney's ex, no convincing HER why she should see her child sometime in the vicinity of Christmas.

But the effects of crappy mothers on mentally unstable daughters they raise is a whole other post.

And PS Thanksgiving is on a weekend every single year and it's been his weekend every year since 2007. We have an excellent system worked out for Thanksgiving and while I don't have the on the weekend, I get them Wednesday morning and return them Thursday at 4 for evening supper with dad. We eat early here. Last year I had our supper done at 10 am! It was awesome. He would not mind if I came and got them sometime over the weekend except I have to work when I don't have them so it never works out. So to compensate, we are doing some special things Wednesday together. I wish all divorced families could get along so well. So many people waste so much energy on hate and not getting along when all you gotta do is just agree...for the kids' sake.

My stummy feels better.

I have a hard time leaving my house. I think it stems from almost a decade as a stay at home mother, I get alot of anxiety when I have to leave. On my days off, sometimes I will literally not go outside even once. A few years ago, when I wasn't working, the kids went on a vacation with their dad. I didn't go outside for like 5 whole days.  So I think working is the best cure because it forces me to continue living and seeing my world. And I sincerely hope that when I make more money, it's even better to leave the house!

So we got our house cleaned up a little bit, put the tree up because we were excited to see how pretty it was. We just got a huge tree from my mom last year, it was only a few years old but we had to replace it tree since the raw sewage smell on our old one wasn't very Christmas-y. I was prepared to go cut one down out of someones yard, and he said perhaps we just buy a cheapy one until next year and we saw the white one for the right price and I said that I'd be ok with that one for several years. It's actually very pretty and full! For a 6.5 foot tree, it doesn't look small.

I've been very chipper these last few days as we finalize plans for Thanksgiving. I have both Wednesday and Thursday off so I have jam packed all of my spare time with things to do. The older 2 girls and I are going to see Breaking Dawn on Wednesday.

So now I have to insert this story about my *slow* kid. Trinity was eating breakfast and saw my dish soap and asked what D*A*W*N spelled. I tell her Dawn. An hour later we are driving to school, talking about Breaking Dawn. I'm trying to keep Twilight out of the conversation because she has seen the other 2 Twilights and I knew she'd want to go see Breaking Dawn but I'm not taking her. I can see it now, "Mommy, I saw Tilight!!!" and huge tears. So we kept calling it Breaking Dawn to keep her in the dark. She says, "So you are going to see Breaking D*A*W*N? Awesome." She spelled Dawn! Very proud of her. She is catching up at lightning speed.

I have a speech to do this weekend which I suppose I don't mind but I cannot come up with any kind of topic that interests me. It's a persuasive speech. I don't persuade people. I demand. LOL I've already put a topic down but it's stupid. So today I need to get hoppin and find something less stupid to talk for 8 minutes about.

Yesterday I started training for the service desk at work and was all excited to perhaps get a permanent spot there. Cashiering is fine, if you don't mind working next to 19 year old idiots. The service desk is alot more involved. Well, one of the ladies there was pretty shitty in telling me I can't have a permanent spot, I haven't been there long enough. It was so rude I was choking back tears. LOL So my boss, who recommended me for this job, asks how I like it so she knows if I want to go over there or stay with her at the registers. I tell her I love it but I can't have it. She tells me the club manager can override and move me, with a small wink. So now I want the job just to shut V. up. So I can see her look of disgust that I got special treatment. LOL

I guess I DGAF (don't give a F) either way, it's all the same. The Walmart company is cliquey in general, no matter what store/club you go to. I have real friends there in other departments. I will get away from the registers eventually. I've also applied to go to the floor as a sales associate as well, so maybe that will go through too. We have 19 cashiers. Only 3 have seniority over me. People that have been there a week are training in new. I have an issue with that. I have an issue with a noob telling me incorrect procedure. I don't like 19 year olds who are stupid and know it all assholes. I had to tell one gal off, she has more seniority than me but seniority does not=treat me like shit. She kept coming to my register, grabbing shit out of my hands and talking over me to members, telling me I was effing up in front of members! I finally told her what she could suck, when she could suck it and to keep sucking it and stay away from me. That was a month ago. She has been to work 3 times in that month. LOL I know it's not me that chased her off, she's gotten some *medical problem* that mysteriously showed up but whatevs. She doesn't bug me anymore.

I've teetered back and forth about staying with Sams club as I progress educationally. I don't feel any desire to move up when I'm treated like dirt right now. So either I move up and get treated a little bit better, or in a year, Sams club is bye byes to me. We shall see.

So, I'm off of here to get some stuff done on my only day off this week. Oh yeah, I picked up an extra day to make up for my sick day so no money lost! Another thing to be thankful for!!!!

I didn't write yesterday,

but I did cry at Chandler's Veteran's day program so I think that counts as thankful. And the huge smile on her face when both her daddies stood up as Veterans, that was priceless. She gets the importance of the day and really, it's every day and really, it's police officers too. We live in a blue line home and when anyone puts their life on the line for ours, we are thankful.

Mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday for regular food and Thanksgiving food. I'm so grateful for the talent of cooking because I bought a 25lb bag of flour for rolls and cookies and it'll last me months. I love making delicious treats for a fraction of the price of the fancy store bought stuff that tastes processed. My cookies are best eaten the day I make them but usually, I have no issues getting people to eat them.

After the Veteran's day program, which I was SO GRATEFUL Rodney got off work in time for, we went and bought our Christmas tree. My husband drove 60 miles and went to 5 stores to find us blue lights on white wires. Did you know they make blue lights on green wires,a nd every other color but blue on white wires, but this year, no one has blue lights on white wires, even though they sell trees with the damn things covered in blue lights white wires. He was even willing to pay 4x more for the LED lights and I just wasn't having it.

So our brand new white tree (because last year, the home we rented flooded with sewage--that is, our own poop-- in the basement the day after I took our Christmas stuff down for storage) will have blue lights, on green wires.

We found some clear glass ball ornaments for the girls to make some home made ones. And our family ornament this year is going to be a sandcastle dressed up for Christmas, to represent our beach attitude and excitement for the OBX trip.

We stopped and got a quick bite to eat on the way home, Rodney getting different food than me and me getting something that required LARGE amounts of mayonnaise, and by the time we got home, I was sick. I'll spare you details but let's just say food poisoning is the popular verdict. And issues on the toilet when you live with hemorroids, well, I'm not going to work today. I'm laying my hemorroid butt on the chair today. And sipping hot tea and eating some toast to tide my stummy over. Stummy--that's a Trinity word. It's a cross between stomach and tummy.

I miss my girls, but I'm hoping by the evening I feel like cleaning the living room for a spot for the tree so that Monday we can put it up together!

Cheers to all and even with food poisoning, I am a grateful gal. My husband even bought cheap stockings for our doggies, and everywhere we went, anything I said, he'd ask the clerk about. Even when it camed to the misspriced lights at Walmart. Somehow, he was so kind he convinced the lady to give them to us for 50 cents, as that's what they were marked but they rang up full price!

Today, I'm thankful that yesterday is over.

First of all, this Indiana weather is killing me. Knee locked up, neck hurts, and I'm exhausted. Throw in a bad day and I was a total witch lastnight.

Yesterday was one of those surreal days that couldn't end fast enough. I just had this gut feeling that something was wrong with Arielle. I couldn't shake it. I actually waited for a page at work for a phonecall I just knew was coming about her. It didn't come but when I got home, I found out I wasn't totally nuts.

Picture this, a few weeks ago, Arielle is sitting at lunch at her peanut free table minding her own business. A girl sits down and starts eating M&Ms. Arielle says, "You can't eat those at my table". The girl says, "Then YOU need to move." Instead of punching her, Arielle moved. I should also mention that the school isn't actually providing her a peanut free table because the principal feels that in middle school, with 2 different lunch periods, it would be impossible to keep one table safe for her.

I know. I rolled my eyes as well.

But the week of Halloween, which is stressful enough as it is, she tells me that the lunch ladies are wearing gloves and doing peanut butter cookies and chicken sandwiches with the same glove hands. And she ate the chicken. She also reacted for about 4 days after. I have packed her a lunch ever since.

So now, if I have a bad feeling, it's warranted.

So I was crying lastnight at my own stupidity for worrying, and Arielle was upstairs and overheard it. She comes down and tells me that she actually did have another incident at school. Little miss M&M brought in cookies and gave one to Arielle and it had, yep, M&Ms in it. Arielle asks "is this safe?" And the girl is all yeah sure yes just eat it which to me, smells of someone trying to sabotage my kid but it isn't like we're talking about her just having a bad stomach ache or a headache, we're talking fall over dead stuff here. Arielle said she could have sworn she felt something hard in it like a pecan or walnut so she threw it away but now, this girl is pissed for her not eating the damn cookie. And no, pecans and walnuts aren't our concern here, peanuts are, but still, this is serious stuff.

I wish like hell that I could pull her back home and homeschool her again. Oh how simple life was back then. So I cried myself to sleep lastnight because I can't be there all the time like I want. I cried because today, I have to send her off into the world again, hope she isn't being taunted and picked on while I pretend to be normal at work, and most of all, I hope she busts in anyone's face that tries to give her something or put her in harms way again.

Today I'm grateful for the memories.

I'm running out of things to be grateful for. I mean, I'm grateful for things like my Dr.Peppers my mom bought me because she heard me say I share them with my girls as a special treat. I'm grateful for comfortable shoes, my husband, my wood floors with dogs who pee, kids who wash themselves, gas prices staying low, etc.

I'm grateful in general. I am grateful to be alive. Ever have a life changing experience? I've had several and I always come out of it more mature and happy to be alive. No, I didn't survive cancer, but I did survive. I prefer to spend my time around other people who are grateful and appreciate life. That list is pretty short these days.

Most people whine about life, whine about their house smelling bad, whine about their husbands being jerks. My answer is, you aren't yelling loud enough, you aren't trying hard enough, and you aren't hitting often enough. Because I have yelled, kicked and screamed to get to where I am in life. I would love to tell you that my husband and I don't yell, but if you haven't had to blend 2 families into 1, then you can't possibly know the BS that goes with it, toss in the fact that one of those children has mental issues, and we've done our fair share of yelling. I love him, no matter what, but he isn't always right nor am I.

All of this today is to say that all these years later, I still love scrapbooking. I scrapbook exclusively on my computer now but I still do it.

 

I've been in a few magazines, and they sit out in my garage with the trash and smelly dog stuff, I hung in a trade show, and the photograph of my work sits on my hard drive, waiting for me to make a page bragging about it but, none of those things matter. I stopped pursuing publishing because women and scrapbooking in the publication world is like legalized prostitution. It cheapens the reason we scrapbook and well, it's like whoring in that whoever sucks up hardest gets ahead. It is about who you know and I don't have friends so I was destined to be a no one.

 

Once upon a time, I set a few trends that I later saw other hookers getting into magazines with.

But these days, it's not about the products, not about the trends, not about the money or the fame.

It's just about the memories and I'm grateful today that I've found reason to scrapbook again, that life is good enough to want to document. It took a few years to get back on my feet and heal my heart and now that I'm healing, I just want to remember. I want to remember their jokes, their faces, their teeny little bodies, their beautiful spirits.

It's all about the memories.

 

Today's gratefulness...with even more mush and love thrown in.

Yesterday marked the 3 year anniverary of my calling Rodney back after a week of him calling me, and me not returning those calls. I was afraid. Afraid to give him a chance. Afraid to let him see the real me. Afraid he was too perfect for me. He looks pretty perfect. Wouldn't you say?

I was afraid that this guy was the one because he seemed like a keeper on the first date, spending actual money on me, taking me for an actual meal, keeping his hands to himself and bringing me a dozen roses. Everything my mother taught me says that that was a real man. And I was so afraid to get involved because I had failed pretty miserably at my first marriage, and every relationship thereafter. Maybe I just wasn't meant to have someone?

I went on a drinking binge on November 6 and was hungover on November 7. I was not going to make rent and had to ask my mom to help. She agreed to not only help, but help without repayment but I had to kick my ex sister in law out. (She refused to work or help in any way with money) I agreed to that because either she was homeless or we were all homeless. I didn't care about her, but I did care about my kids so out she went. I decided to call this guy back and just see what happened because it just seemed like one of those life-changing days. Turns out, it was a life-changing day.

I cried that day on the phone with him, so humliated at my behavior, at my life, and he just listened. I was hitting rock bottom and he was there, catching me without even knowing me.

It's been 3 years. He's still listening and catching.

He listened when I said I wanted to go to college. He listened when I said I wanted to move back home. He listened when I said something was wrong and I needed help. Countless times my car has broken down or had a flat or maybe I was just having a bad day and next thing I know, he gets his captain's ok to go home to his wife and be a man.

Just the other day, for example, I was telling him how I don't get any pins at work for my lanyard and everyone else butt kisses and gets all these accomplishment pins and they haven't even met as many goals as I have. So would he please buy me a pin from the cop shop just because fuck them and their high five pins, I'm married to a cop. Suck it. So he came home, and dug out all the pins he doesn't need use any more, dug through  his TRUNK and gave me his pins for my work lanyard.

Just because I asked him.

Many people thought we rushed into marriage. We were together 6 weeks when he proposed, 4 months when we married. I don't think it was rushing. We knew it was right, and he was man enough to admit it rather than stringing me along just for appearances. He wasn't afraid to blow all of his savings on a ring and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him.

I'm grateful that I not only love my husband, I like him. It's been a pretty rough year this year, a true test of our marriage. I didn't even post a wedding anniversary post. I was blue. It was a bad period. But that's how life goes sometimes and we both know that there are ups and downs.

Today, I'm grateful to be married to that perfect guy that would end up being my best friend, the man who can finish my sentences, read my mind, and thinks skinny jeans on guys is as dumb as I do.